Infertility : Everything will be ok in the end. If it’s not ok, it’s not the end.

This quote has gotten me through many a dark time and I’m still holding onto it now. Even though I’m pregnant, this isn’t the end, as the end for me will be holding a healthy baby in my arms; or at least that’s the end I’m hoping for.

Before getting pregnant with our final round of IVF, my husband and I had actually reached a really good place of acceptance. We were happy to accept whatever outcome came our way, even if that meant a life without a baby in it. To our surprise, that notion no longer made us feel sad, disappointed or inferior, but after 4 long years we knew we could make peace with it and that felt so good.

Getting to that place was no easy feat, we’d gone through a whole spectrum of emotions before finding a place of peace and acceptance but that’s the infertility journey I guess. That’s the path we are on and perhaps some people can reach peace quicker than others, but we felt like we would know when to draw the line on exhausting all routes to a baby, and this was it. Once you get to that point, things really start to become a lot clearer and more comfortable. You can finally see the wood for the trees, make plans that you never felt able to make before and see a happy life in front of you, child-free that you never expected.

Of course, that can then be the point when you get pregnant! Hold up! Backtrack on the luxurious, spontaneous holidays and sabbaticals from work – the baby’s coming!

If we’re lucky, we get to meet so many amazing people on this journey and I was always adamant that I’d never forget anyone’s struggles if we ended up with a baby. I have been left behind by friends who got pregnancy after fertility treatment before and it hurts even more than normal and I didn’t want that to happen to anyone who’d helped me navigate the past few years. As you know, I still don’t feel that we’re there yet but we’re on the path to a baby and I know a few people who’ve left that path. What has brought me so much joy is seeing these friends discover the same peace and acceptance that we had felt a few months ago – that everything is actually ok without have your own children and that there is a great, happy life to be had either way.

I have one friend who has drawn a line under treatment and trying for a baby and she’s never looked more comfortable in her own skin. The pain and trauma of the past few years seems to have left her and she’s looking great, has a new passion and energy for life that I’ve never seen in her before and is taking control of her life decisions. It is amazing what letting go of a painful journey can do to you. She is at the end and everything is ok 😊

Obviously, not everyone who comes to the end of the road with fertility treatment feels this way, and you do have to accept your own emotions even if they’re overwhelming, but the possibility for happiness is always there. There is life after trying to conceive and you never know what adventures you might find to bring you joy again. You might have to look for them, but once you do, there maybe many surprises in store!

As for me, I’m still seeing the hospital walls a bit too frequently for my liking, but I know I’m in safe hands and what will be will be. If this little ball of life is meant to join us in October then I just have to trust that he will; and if not, I have to trust that in the end that will be ok.

Are you working towards your own peace and acceptance in your own journey? Or have you perhaps already found it and are enjoying the sense of wellbeing and calm it brings? Wherever you are on your fertility journey, I’d love to hear from you.

Speak soon,

Julia x

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