Infertility and Suicide – What’s the link ?
Cheers, dear readers,
Cathy here speaking up about my journey through the infertility wilderness. Today, I have decided to tackle a difficult aspect of dealing with the potentially traumatic aspects of infertility. I was going to delay this post until later, but I think it can’t wait any longer. When I launched my very first blog post, an acquaintance of mine very gingerly said to me, “Why do you call yourself an ‘infertility survivor’? That was a little hard to read, and I bristled when I read it. I guess I don’t see infertility as life threatening.” I went on to explain it to her, but was not ready to tackle that topic in the early days of this blog – but now I am. So let’s take this question head on…
Can you die from infertility? Can this disease be life threatening?
The short answer is … yes, whether you choose to believe that or not. That is the truth.
From a very practical standpoint, there are many reasons why couples and particularly women can have their physical life in danger due in part to infertility. There is of course various types of female cancer (of the ovaries, cervix, etc.) that are extremely life threatening while rendering the woman infertile. Also complications such as dangerous uterine fibroids and tumors can be life threatening both in their very presence, as well as the risk of undergoing the surgeries to try to rectify and eradicate the bodily intrusions. I hope those reading this post can understand the truth in those realities and see the correlation. Thus, getting through those experiences in one piece would make the individual an “infertility survivor.”
But there’s something else I’d like to touch on today:
The emotional effects of infertility and its links to stress, depression and suicide.
Infertility and depression frequently go together. While you may not be surprised to learn that infertility can lead to depression, you may be surprised to learn that depression during pregnancy and after pregnancy (postpartum depression) is more common in woman who have struggled to conceive. I believe it is very important to shed some much needed light on how serious the emotional ramifications of infertility can be. Dealing with the effects of infertility can mess with your head, your spirit and your very core. I can tell you that firsthand. And I had some very dark, dark days. I’m not the only one.
As we all know, depression is a major risk factor for thoughts of suicide, and actual suicide attempts. With the help of a friend of mine, we discovered that there is a 1998 study that found 13% of women had suicidal thoughts following a failed IVF attempt. That’s a scary statistic. Another study found that “approximately half of the women in their sample rated infertility as the most stressful experience of their life. In addition, they found that 18% of men and 16% of women had significant psychological distress including high levels of depression.” Other research has shown that the psychological stress experienced by women with infertility is similar to that of women coping with illnesses like cancer, HIV and chronic pain. Infertility is not an easy disease to cope with, and the traumatic effects don’t “go away” after the last IVF attempt.
My friend and I found many reports online of women committing suicide over infertility. These tragic events once again show that infertility is a terrible disease to suffer from, with real and frightening consequences. This is a reminder that for many people, this journey is so heartfelt, that it is literally a matter of life and death.
Should we ignore this? Should we not talk about it because it’s uncomfortable? Should we brush it under the carpet because that’s easier? Should we fail to treat it? Should we not do further research on these facts? And do you see now why we say “infertility survivor?”
This also highlights the importance of a good support structure in the form of family members, friends, psychologists and any needed medication. If your friends or others close to you do not want to talk about it or change the subject quickly, or offer little support in the form of active listening coupled with compassionate, empathetic words, go find someone who will. There are both online support groups as well as meet ups most likely in your area. There are many books on the subject for you to read, many blogs to follow where you can interact with the author such as this one. Please seek help when and if you need it. It can take years to get to a better place, and also, just like the loss of a loved one, you don’t just “get over it”. Please don’t be ashamed or buy into the stigma of infertility or of seeking professional help. Helps is out there. Write me an email. Drop me a line. I’m here to help. Know that I care. And I care about what you are going through. You are not alone.
Please join me next week to hear more about my personal journey down the infertility path. I look forward to speaking with you. And I wish you the best on your journey.
Warm regards,
Cathy
Thank you for writing this. As I sit hear with tears streaming down my cheeks, I am relieved I am not the only one who wants to die due to my failure to produce a child. 7 years of IVF treatments, special diets, and countless methods of TTC. I feel like if I can’t have a child, I just want to die. I can’t cope with the idea of never having a child. My husband is against adoption so I can’t even do that. I am going to see a counsellor this week as I am really struggling.
Hi Kerin, I hope you got the help and support you need. I know it must feel like you’re all alone in this struggle, no-one understands etc but believe me there are so many people going through it, I’m one of them and i struggle daily with just wishing my life would end.
My husband didn’t want to have children with me for many years and now that he has changed his mind we are struggling to conceive. All of this has contributed to feelings of absolute despair and depression to the point that i frequently hoard medication with the intention of ending it all.
I have a beautiful niece that i love like a daughter and thoughts of her keep me going some days. around me everyone is having kids, kids and more kids. some their 3rd or 4th.
the absolute hardest part is that people subconsciously blame you for your inability to have a child. and I blame myself too. I had two abortions when i was a college student and while my mind know there is no link my heart tells me that this is punishment for what i did.
I hope you are faring better than i am today.
Angela,
Thank you for your honesty and candid vulnerability. So much similarity in your life story to mine. The husband who doesn’t want children, failed treatment, a couple of abortion when younger, hoarding medication to use. I keep looking for meaning in my life, while my marriage is holding by a thread. I don’t believe in love anymore or family connection. I relate to Jody’s story of wanting to go help in war zones. You are not alone. We are not alone. I do wish for a tribe in real life.
Hi Angela,
were you able to conceive?
Hi there
I also have infertility , have been married and divorced and have done ivf and also lost both my tubes due to ectopic pregnancies .
My ex husband went on to have kids immediately and it sucked .
I feel useless and don’t know what to do at the end of each day when get home from work .
I try to distract myself , up the anti depressants and go to bed early . What is this life for
I don’t know where this goes but thank you for writing this and the response. I would love to speak with both of you women to help me. I am struggling to figure out the internet and was is public and not but I would love to hear some support.
I want to go to sleep and never wake up. Four years of every treatment under the sun. Now I am getting hot flashes and moving into early menopause. What’s the purpose of living.
I feel the exact same way. Why do I have to wake up and face the day when i really don’t want to continue like this.
I feel exactly the same and am glad I found this blog, I found it because I googled infertility and suicide. I know I’m not the only one to feel like this but sometimes it really does feel like you’re alone. I’ve lost many ‘friends’ through infertility as I’ve just had to shut off from their repeated insensitivity. Just the other day I had to sit through photograph after photograph from a friend not just of her daughter (who I adore) but her two friends six children too, all out on a half term outing together. I had another friend say to me recently ‘I know you don’t like talking about pregnancy but….’ and launch into a story I had no benefit from knowing. People just don’t get that it’s not just that we don’t ‘like’ hearing about pregnancy or other people’s children, it’s painful. It’s painful in a sense that is so damaging and debilitating it’s hard to even put it into words. The pain extends too to just not being heard, family members who constantly ask if you’re ok yet ignore what you say when you open up and tell them the truth. The truth that there is no ‘point’ to you. I feel I am a waste of breath, I too want to just not wake up in the morning. If my parents weren’t alive I would find a way to make sure I didn’t wake up to face another day of this. It’s only the pain I know I would cause them that forces me to be here. Am so grateful to read this post, breaks my heart to think of others hurting in this way but is ‘nice’ to know I’m not on my own.
To the commenters on this post as well as anyone reading this:
First I apologize for my delay in responding. I only now realized that these comments were on this post due to a technical issue. Please know that I was most certainly not ignoring you on purpose. I am deeply concerned for where you all are on your journey, and have deep empathy for you all.
Please know that you are not alone. If you are struggling, please don’t let any stigma about getting professional help stand in your way. It is your right and responsibility to take care of yourself by any means.
If you would like to speak to me personally, you can write me directly at: cathy (at) giantleapscreative.com. I would be happy to speak to you one-on-one and offer support, empathy, guidance, love, and compassion. I understand how you feel as I have been there. I want to help. Please feel free to reach out. You have a friend, always here.
Sincerely,
Cathy Broadwell
(co-author of this blog)
Dear SS&FE Readers:
Cathy and Eric are dear friends of mine. I am eternally grateful they shared, and continue to share their experience of infertility with me as well as readers like you who are called to this blog, as it has raised my awareness about the trials, traumas and heartbreaks they experienced as they struggled with and survived infertility— and the pangs that can still arise. More so, their caring and sharing has opened channels for compassionate listening, and that is a true gift to the world.
I am also a suicide prevention advocate. This is such a courageous and beautiful post, and as I read your comments and feedback, I was covered in chills. So I’m honored that Cathy has asked me to share additional research and resources with you.
1. You Are Not Alone. The National Institute of Health conducted a study in 2009 that found an association between the trauma of pregnancy loss and infertility with symptoms of post traumatic stress and depression. The study also found that these symptoms and feelings do not always abate over time. Nor would one expect them to. Experiencing the loss of a pregnancy, or attempting and not being able to carry a child at all, is a major loss. Experiencing depression and symptoms of post traumatic stress is the body and mind’s way of naturally expressing grief, despair, anger and a whole host of emotions. However, untreated depression is a contributing factor of suicidal thoughts and acts of suicide. So please know that you are not alone, that what you are experiencing is normal, and that therapies do help.
2. Resources are Available — Locally, Regionally, Nationally and Internationally. There are many organizations that will help you find a therapist or modality of healing in your area. In the United States, a few organizations that have state and local chapters include NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) and MHA (Mental Health America). Internationally, the World Health Organization (WHO) has launched World Mental Health Organization that offers information and services by region. Since each one of you has a unique experience, it may take some time and adjustments to find the therapist or modality of healing that is right for you. But trust that you deserve this and will find what you are looking for.
3. Take Care for Yourself and Loved Ones. If you or someone you know is having thoughts of suicide, please call your doctor, #911 or a crisis hotline. In the United States, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255 (or 1-800- 273-TALK) and is available 24/7. WHO also offers guidelines on how to help someone who may be suicidal, and the International Association for Suicide Prevention offers information about crisis centers around the world. You matter. Your life matters. Please stay with us, no matter what.
May peace be with you all.
– Alivia
Research and Resources:
NIH Study:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21686042
National Alliance on Mental Illness
https://www.nami.org
Mental Health America:
http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net
World Health Organization:
http://www.who.int/mental_health/en/
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-8255
(1-800- 273-TALK)
International Association for Suicide Prevention:
http://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/
Hi Cathy – thank you for raising this very important issue. In a book just published that I’m reviewing called ‘Making Friends with Your Fertility’ by Sarah Rayner and Tracey Sainsbury, it quotes: “The national fertility charity, Fertility Network UK, did a survey in 2016 to coincide with National Fertility Awareness Week (#NFAW), and it revealed that over 40% of women experiencing infertility had experienced suicidal thoughts”. In my own journey of coming to terms with involuntary childlessness, I too felt so low at some points that no longer living began to seem like a very attractive option… it’s something I try to always mention when I’m interviewed in the media as it’s so common… and yet each of feels alone in that pain. Certainly in my work supporting other childless women through Gateway Women I know that such periods of darkness are very common and highlights how much more work needs to be done supporting women and couples with the emotional aspects of fertility treatments, both during and after.
Cathy, it’s such an important question, and so important that people who come here know that there are people listening, and that there are people who know, who may have experienced these thoughts, and who have survived and prospered. In my years of writing about infertility and loss and childlessness (it’s now been more than 15 years, though only about seven years on my blog), these questions – including the ones from your commenters – are very common. “What’s the point of life?” comes up frequently. I may have asked this myself at one stage.
The key thing for everyone to understand is that it doesn’t always feel this bad. It may not feel like it right now, but trust in those of us who have gone before. The life that we imagined may not happen, but the life we can have has infinite possibilities. Eventually, I think, we learn to find true joy in our No Kidding (as I call mine) lives.
There are lots of childless/No Kidding/Life Unexpected/Road Less Travelled etc etc blogs and forums for people to find others who have been or are going through this, and who understand how difficult it can be.
Ive been there myself, and still am. It’s 3 years since I found out I had no chance of conceiving naturally due to blocked Fallopian tubes. I luckily had a very good husband and a close friend in a similar position. I still felt like the bottom of my world had dropped out. Most days I still feel heartbroken about it and really wish I’d had a professional offered to talk with after I found out. People try to be kind but they really can’t imagine how horrendous it feels. For me, I’d imagined for most of my life having children as do all the other ladies here, that’s ripped away from you but I also felt like I was letting people down by not having the ‘dream’. I can’t imagine that I will ever feel mentally the way I did ‘before’. Depression is unfortunately guaranteed.
Infertility has effected every area of my life…Ive lost friends who couldnt understand my gried and it has had a massive impact on my career because I work with children. I am still trying to figure out how to piece my life together. Because the depth of the pain is mostly misunderstood and unrecognised, my view of the world has been totally changed. Ive been close to ended it all many times. Infertility is most definitely life-threatening.
Hi everyone
I agree with all the other contributors and yes, I also considered suicide by wanting to drive into the central reservation on purpose. I didn’t. Three rounds of IVF, first one resulting in a positive test, only to find no heartbeat on the scan. We decided that actually all that IVF gives you is hope.
I like the phrase used here of “IVF Survivor”.
The free counselling I got on the UK NHS afterwards can’t be faulted. I got way more than the allocated 6 sessions and the counsellor was great.
You’ve lived and eaten (and not drunk alcohol or coffee) for so long, pandering to giving IVF the best chance, that even when you know you are not going to do IVF again, you still don’t want to drink the caffeine or alcohol, just in case. You try to find a reason for the miscarriages – if only I hadn’t gone to that wedding, if only we’d taken a taxi, not walked all that way… someone I met at a support group was convinced she’d lost her baby from sitting on a cold chair. But we do this to ourselves, in the quest to find a reason why.
It might sound strange, but starting to drink coffee again was a big deal for me. I suppose, it was admitting the end of something. Still now 5 years on, when I drive on the same part of the motorway which goes to the IVF clinic, I always think about going there for the scan. People who aren’t NOMOs probably can’t understand that something like that can keep reminding you of going through IVF. Like other contributors here, I have also lost friends along the IVF journey through their lack of understanding and (un)helpful comments and advice.
IVF is lived trauma. You have to try to heal yourself. You have to know when to stop trying. You have to stop putting yourself through that repeated trauma.
I would also like to add that we did proceed down the adoption route. We ended up putting ourselves through (a different type of) trauma for 11 months. It didn’t work out and the children are no longer with us. That’s what they call adoption disruption. That is another story. Adoption should also come with a health warning and yes, I did think about ending it then too.
Trying to parent two totally traumatised children was horrendous.
I felt totally betrayed. I had spent so many years wanting children and to be a mum, then two children arrived and I wondered why I had wanted it so much? It was awful.
It was only once the children came to us that other people and friends who have children have actually fessed up to the truth. Life with children is not a Hallmark card, it’s not the daily joyful messages and posts on social media. I’ve been told that anyone who says they aren’t glad their children are going to school is lying. So why didn’t anyone tell us all this?? Or tell us that a life to ourselves, with all our amazing holidays, lies-in, visiting friends, doing what we wanted when we wanted was actually great? I’m coming to realise that if people did actually say truthfully what a nightmare it is, then the human race would rapidly come to an end.
Anyway, I am still going my grief work, dealing with “the loss of” many things, hopes and dreams, dealing with the fact that no one will ever look like me or have my genetics or that I will not have anyone to leave my things to in my will and that there will be no children to come to my funeral.
Thanks for reading. Take comfort in the fact that there are so many people out there who have survived IVF, men as well as women and who feel exactly the same.
I scarcely know where to begin here. First I feel gratitude for the honesty and the kindness expressed by all. There is nothing more validating than being heard and understood. I learned that when I was crawling out of a pervasive darkness following a decade of confronting infertility. I truly felt invisible and, yes, more than a little dead inside. Bit by bit I started to feel again — sadness, grief, anger — it was scary at times but finding a way to voice those dark emotions (writing, talking — acknowledging them) in turn helped me in ways never expected. Even now, I go back to old blog posts and read the comments other women and men left and I am reminded how much we all need each other to fully comprehend the life-altering aspects of infertility. Finally, I want you to know you matter. Your existence willingness to share here touched me deeply. It’s real evidence that you want to find a way forward. We are here to lift each other up…
Totally get this. I feel for everyone in this position. You see loneliness which is also associated with childlessness is a slow suicide in itself. And i can understand how some people eventually take thrir lives because the pain is non stop. It is an awful struggle despite what other fertile people think. Trying to put one foot in front of the other on a daily basis with feelings and thoughts in your head pounding and gnawing away at you is not a recipe for success. I admire anyone who gets through the other side. I for one struggle every day . I have gone from a happy go lucky person to a person who hopes their time is up. You might say how selfish when people are fighting for their lives so that they can live and be with their children. Well when you haven’t a family it doesn’t really matter. The future is alone for plenty of infertile couples or even singledoms….no amount of counselling if you can get it will change that. I have met plenty of elderly men and women who are childless. It’s not been a happy life as such. But they have accepted their lot. They have coped living alone and lonely. I don’t have the answers only that you stay active and connect with all sorts of people to make your life bearable. And on the child front i have been honest and have simply said can’t have them. Adoption is not possible in all countries and adopting from abroad would wipe you out financially as it is a corrupt world. Fostering well possibly but again inept authorities do not give you the full story behind these children and you are aged matched. The resources are lacking and these children are in care for a reason. The fostering process is a minefield and not an honest one.
I’ve been married for less than a year and after being told over the past couple of years that it’s not the right time to check my fertility because I’m not bringing my partner into my own private health matters or ‘oh, it’ll be fine, your period’s regular like clockwork’ I got the heartbreaking news yesterday.
I got told by my clinical specialist that I’ll need IVF for any sign of babies. That is after the fertility problems I didn’t know I had that have prevented me from having babies with men whom I wouldn’t want to have babies with in the first place (am sure they’d say the same about me). However my current beau is perfect-that’s why I married him but well, y’know bodies-meh.
So all that healthy living caffeine free diet was bollocks really, my body’s been an overprotective cow over more stress on my life – I guess its another way of saying that then wasn’t the right time for having lil ones otherwise I’d be out of pocket and sanity. I suppose I can’t have it both ways.
That said I have been crying buckets comparing my fertility to evil dictators,useless celebrities popping babies and my own personal enemies, thinking that they have more right to breed than I do. At the moment I feel about as productive as a beach pebble.
Anyway keeping a blog helps, I wish you all the biggest of hugs and to hang in on there. It sucks, we all know.
This post is truly like a gift, thought rapped with so much agonizing pain. I truly felt like I am the only one in the world who wants to stop this pain like that, that hurts so deeply, that can go through a whole day without dark thoughts.
I sent all of you a huge hug.
Thank you SO MUCH to all of the brave people who have commented on this blog post. I admire your vulnerability, courage, and transparency in letting others know what you are struggling with. Please know that you are helping ALOT of other people out there with your words and disclosing how you are feeling, and also how you overcame some of your challenges you are experiencing. As others have commented here, it DOES get better, and there are many ways to live a fulfilling, satisfying life, with or without children.
Here is a follow up blog post that I wrote on this topic:
https://www.conceiveivf.com/slow-swimmers-and-fried-eggs/infertility-suicide-bravery-rising-tides-lift-boats
Sending a big virtual hug to all of you!
Cathy Broadwell
Hi All, I came across this post as I’m researching for a fertility book I’m writing. So many valuable comments and my heart goes out to everyone who is dealing with the injustice of infertility.
I battled, (it is a battle), infertility for 6 years with my husband. The battle started when I was 40 (not the best age!) and we went through one IUI and one ICSI cycle in London – neither worked. After letting nature take it’s course and acupuncture and TCM and organic food and no alcohol etc etc, we did a round of ICSI in Spain when I was 45. Success them miscarriage. Research research research and tests for thrombophilia and NKCells, all negative, but I did the treatment as if I did have a problem and on our next round of ICSI in Spain……..our daughter is now 7.
Cathy mentioned that it is common for women to get post natal depression after having a baby through fertility treatment. Two years ago after seeing a therapist I found out that I had post traumatic stress after the miscarriage (from 5 years earlier) and that I suffered from post natal depression that wasn’t treated, so led to depression. I knew what I was feeling wasn’t right after having our daughter, but how could I admit to being depressed, even to myself, after getting pregnant following fertility treatment? This was what I wanted so much, I loved my baby so much – how could I be depressed when so many don’t get this far? Even whilst I held my baby daughter I thought about ending my life – tears are streaming down my face as I write this now, remembering those thoughts.
She kept me going and still does as my marriage ended over a year ago. Most days I’m really fine and putting the book together and thinking about my future with my daughter (it’s amicable with my husband) keeps me strong and positive.
Promise me, when you do have your baby and maybe you feel down, find someone who you can talk to and who can help you. Don’t be ashamed like I was. Don’t suffer alone and in silence.
Thank you Cathy for sharing.
xxx
I’m sobbing so hard because I feel like I’m at the edge. I woke up this morning to sore breasts, and I know it’s not pregnancy, just my period starting. I told my husband, “why should I keep this junk if none of it does anything but cause me pain?” I’d rather strip away everything that makes me a woman than live in this body anymore. And the thing that really hurts is I’ve went to the doctor, they don’t know why I don’t ovulate, I was just told “some women don’t.” I don’t want to go down the IVF route because a dear friend of mine did and she lost every child she managed to conceive with IVF and it caused her and her husband to divorce, so thousands of dollars later all she got out of it was heartbreak and divorce. I can accept that I’ll never experience motherhood, but I don’t want my ovaries or breasts anymore. I don’t want painful reminders that I’ll never concieve. And I’ve been trying for years with different medications.
I feel like this every day. We have lost 4 kids one in the second trimester, and it’s all been a defeat. I can’t try anymore because when I am pregnant I get horrifyingly sick with hyperemesis and insomnia that’s so severe I had to be hospitalized. I made it to 2nd trimester twice and then got diagnosis of baby with anencephaly in my last pregnancy and all I have wanted to do was just die. I hope I get cancer, or get hit by a car, or something – I’ve tried to kill myself, but I just can’t really do it because when I try I get too scared and I hate myself even more for not being able to end the pain. I’ve done counseling, hotlines, the shit doesn’t help -because at the end of the day I do not have a kid and I get to watch every person around me take one baby, two baby, three baby, etc home while all my pregnancies ended horrifically while I was horrifically sick and just wanted to die. I’m sorry to all that struggle with this poisonous life. The only thing that really keeps me going today is the fact that I didn’t bring a child to this world to suffer like I did every damn day of my life, because watching my child suffer would be even worse.
This is actually the worst feeling in this whole world.the feeling of uncertainty of not being able to help yourself..The feeling of feeling you are not good enough for your husband..The feeling of pity when you look at your husband and you feel like you have disappointed him by not making him a complete man like his friends.The feeling where nothing even money doesn’t matter to you..The feeling where you feel empty and you see how easy it is for other women to have babies but not you making you wonder if their are actually forces both spiritual hindering it..the feeling where you make crying your daily routine because everything reminds you of your childlessness..the feeling of praying and actually feeling tired of praying..the feeling whereby you think everybody is talking about you even your mother inlaw that constantly reminds of your childlessness..the feeling of trying to ignore the call of your friends,family cos you don’t wanna deal with their pity,suggestions,and the asking you what you are doing abt it..among all this feelings the worst of it all is the feeling of being tired of life itself
It is the worst feeling in the world. When I was younger I was unsure about children but I always wanted some once I found the right man. I love my husband and I feel like I’m disappointing everyone by not being able to get pregnant. We’ve been trying for almost three years and I won’t do IVF because we can’t afford treatment besides vitamins or medications. I had a difficult childhood and basically felt like a failure as a daughter and couldn’t get along with my mom or brother. Now I can barely talk to my mom because I don’t want her to know that yes I’m still the same messed up depressed daughter I’ve always been. I think about suicide lately when I think about how sad I am that I can’t have a baby. Why do people who don’t care about anyone but themselves have more fertile power than I do? And people who hate each other always fighting can have babies and not me? I would be able to control my temper and emotions just like I do today..just trying not to explode with anger at the fact I’m going to disappear and the world won’t care or notice!!!!!!!!
Also I’ve always felt like people treat me like I don’t matter. Guys were happy to use me and ghost me after the first few days and I risked getting pregnant or getting a disease back then. Now I’m a useless person and a failure as a wife and a woman. My doctor walked in and said oh you’re still here? The last time I tried to get help for my infertility. It’s because I’m not a rich person but I get by alright. I’m sure the doctor doesn’t give a shit. No one cares about me! And I won’t even have love from my own baby! All I got was a shitty childhood and life!
Oh Cathy. All I want to do is die.
I don’t even get my periods sometimes. And it just makes it so much harder.
I used to have dreams as a child of being pregnant one day. And I don’t see the point in living anymore if that only thing in want is out of reach.
I’m tired. And I just don’t want to live anymore.
I went on google in a desparate search fo see if anyone else felt suicidal because of infertility. It broke my heart to pieces coming across this page. Im a doctor and i hate myself every day i feel like a failure for not getting pregnant my husband is not very nice about it as he is not even interested in children. I have to put a stupid fake smile on everytime a patient calls to say they are pregnant or books in for antenatal checks. I wish i could end it all. I cant believe i will have to suffer like this for the rest of my life. Having to be fake all day at work then go home and feel shit and sorry for myself. All my friends have children and some are single and miserable. All i think is its worse to be married and not having children. Everyone asks u oh when r u next. Come on time is ticking. Or what are u doing about it. All i want to say is fuck off. Leave me alone and maybe its better not to have children and bring them into a sick world and let them suffer. Maybe this is for the best but for me i get moments where i panic and think how have i got to this age and not had a kid yet i always thought i would have 3 by 30yrs. Anyway whatever it doesnt even help my family disowned me for marrying my husband cos they hate him and think he is bad for me. They abandoned me and he isnt even great but i cant end my marriage cos then i will be truely alone and hopeless. Nothing i do will change my situation its just fucking shit and i have to pretend all day and be professional about it when deep inside i wish i could have the guts to just finish myself off and be done…
I feel tha same way I want to kill myself I am 30 years old and everyone around me has 3 4 or more and I been with my partner 11 years I think am gonna let him go and yet and find me a baby even if its through foster care cause is the only way I think I can endure this life
We start ivf treatment next month after 5 disgusting years of desperation and misery and if it doesn’t work I really see no point in being here anymore. We try so hard to be positive but how can you be after years of disappointment. Last year we finally conceived naturally and were over the moon with joy, we had a scan at 12 weeks only to discover I had suffered a missed miscarriage at 9 weeks. I still a year on cry every day and wish I had the guts to end it all. The fertility clinic have me on ovulation stimulating tablets which have gross side effects and have not worked which gets me down even more. Now three of my friends are pregnant one of which has the most disgusting lifestyle and I can’t help but think what she has done to deserve this and not me!
Anyway I would love when all else fails to travel to have an assisted suicide for being a useless c**t with no purpose in life. I think that is a good enough reason and I can’t stand the thought of living my life watching everyone around me happy with their families and I have nothing.
I’m scared I’ll die without sharing all this love I have. Ever since I was a child I knew I wanted to be a mom. My ex husband of 9 year told me I wasn’t a woman and a waste of time for him because I couldn’t give him children. That was the first time I wanted to die. I’m in the struggle again with a new partner, he already has a grown son so cannot emphasize with my feeling. If I make it past 45 without my own child ima just go to the grand canyon and never return… It’s probably the medication taking but mostly not.
I’m kind of in the same boat with my current husband. He has a 7 year old child and I am only 21.
I want a baby and he doesn’t.
We drink and he smokes and we’ve been trying for over a year and he says it’s my fault.
He doesn’t want kids and won’t let me go to a doctor.
If I find out I can’t have kids I’ve decided to go into the garage turn on the car and just sit there until I can’t feel this pain anymore.
Victoria, this sounds as though your partner is seriously abusive. I hope you find the strength to leave this man before you loose yourself entirely.
Having a baby with a man who blames you for not becoming pregnant and is controlling enough to prevent you accessing healthcare would be a terrible mistake.
My husband has a child already from an ex gf and another one he doesn’t see. I married him knowing this and everyone in his family all have multiple children. It took a few weeks to muster up the courage to tell him I want to try to have a baby. He keeps saying not right now. He said if he can’t have kids anymore or if I can’t have kids anymore than he wouldn’t want to adopt because he doesn’t want to raise a child that isn’t his own blood. I raise his child/my stepson!
If I can’t hve children I will kill myself.
If I have some disease I pray I have the courage to do it because I can’t take this anymore. I’m so sad all the time and my husband is always angry with me. I feel like if we had a baby I would leave him and I would need nothing else in the world except my child. I don’t know if I should leave him now. I’m 21 but I don’t want to wait. I’m praying to god right now to give me the strength to not self harm just so I can have a small moment where my pain is taken away. I don’t know what to do. I think I will just keep living this unhappy marriage and life and eventually not be afraid to kill myself.
It’s so much pain that I just want to die. I keep daydreaming of someone shooting me in the back of my head without me knowing. Just a sudden death so I don’t have to continue this brutal, painful life. I was diagnosed with overian cancer and before I could understand my situation they removed everything. I can’t have babies. I can’t adopt bc of the cancer. I feel like dying, but still go through chemo bc I feel like I have to for my family. It is so hard.
oh my god! I am so pleased I happened upon this site! I can relate to every single comment because it’s exactly how i feel. . . everyday. 8yrs of infertility trials and tribulations – x3 miscarriages, x3 ivf failures and x1 termination at 16weeks due to congenital defect. Currently signed up for adoption and maybe considering embryo donor ivf but . . . . . I just have no drive left any more. I’ve always wanted a family more than marriage or a career or anything really, because I don’t have a loving family myself. It just doesn’t seem fair that 98% of females manage to have their own children and I can’t! I work as a Dr and have to spend every working day either congratulating new parents, organising terminations for those who didn’t mean to fall pregnant or, referring kids to specialists because their parents have no idea and are f’ing useless! If you choose to adopt or get a donor embryo then the level of medical, house, financial, character and i.d checks you have to get done, is ridiculous! If you have your own children, no one gets any bloody checks – none!! A life without children leaves me nothing to look forward to and all I see otherwise is sorting out older family members in their old age, going through menopause, getting arthritis and just generally continuing to be bitter about life. . . . . I’m 42. Surviving Infertility OR suffering with infertility should definitely be recognised more medically.
I have dreamt about being a mother since I was a little girl. As a teenager I would imagine I was pregnant dream about what I would wear to show of my bump. I even went to a fancy dress party dressed as pregnant Catherine zeta jones at the oscars. I got ovarian cysts ( non cancerous) and I had to be cut open to have them removed while I was recovering my heavily pregnant sister and friend would visit I’d hear women screaming as they gave birth In the ward next door and think why can’t that be me. I meet my husband married and tried for a baby straight away. A year later i got pregnant the best time of my life I miscarried at 8 weeks they discovered more ovarian cysts again cut open and removed again near the maternity ward seriously they need to re think that one. Before opp I begged for the Doctors for ivf but told to keep trying naturally after opp told to try for 6mths then come back I did everything they said lost weight changed my diet took every vitamin Tried yoga you name it I tried. Finally doctors said I could have fertility tests done results come back I was to told to old for IVF on the NHS so I went private found a top London clinic. Covid 19 struck all fertility treatments stopped when they re opened had more checks done this time my egg reserve so low IVF not possible. Offered egg donation grieving at the thought of never having a genetic child of my own that was two weeks ago wake up every day crying go to bed crying come to work I see pregnant smug women. look on Facebook people I went to school with grandparents or putting photos and post about 10 reasons why they love being a mum. I feel like a failure as a women as a wife as a daughter the one thing I was put on Earth to do and that I wanted more the anything I can’t do don’t see the point in anything
I’m sorry to hear these comments and it really saddens me as I think we as a society have let us women down. We were told to go get a career, get a mortgage, get a husband then have children… by this point most of us (who dont come from wealth) are somewhere in our 30’s starting our fertility journey. I wish someone told me to get pregnant in my 20’s as it’s much easier and if you don’t get pregnant straight away, at least you have time, nobody in my life has said this to me ever. If I make it to a certain age without having a baby I will kill myself. Like you ladies I cannot see how I could cope with seeing everyone around me have a family and I do not. I think if I don’t have a baby my partner will replace me, in laws will hate me and my parents will be disappointed. There is no point in living without children, life would be miserable so I wouldn’t want to live it.
I’m 38 and have been battling with infertility the last 8 years. I also wish I tried to have children in my early 20s but I come from a strong Roman Catholic background where marriage comes first and then the baby carriage. Like most people here I too always dreamt of having children of my own. When I was 26 I read a book- ‘The snow child’ about a couple who never managed to conceive and they chance upon a child in the Alaskan wilderness. The wife’s strong maternal instinct kicks in and wants to keep the child. I couldn’t help thinking to myself ‘please don’t let me pass through the same fate’.
Jump another 4 years and I begin to face the same issues. The very first specialist that saw me joked about my concerns and told me that by the time I’m 35 I would have 3 children. I’m now 38 and I’ve had 3 failed IVF cycles. And the reasons for my infertility are unexplainable. I travel abroad to get IVF done but due to the COVID problem weighing in I can’t travel any more. Suicide thoughts kick in often but it’s the love I have for my family and my husband that keeps me from committing suicide. My sisters both have children of their own and I love them dearly but at times it is too painful to watch them share their experiences of motherhood. I feel as though I’m being punished for some unknown reason. Society makes you feel less of a woman for not being able to conceive.
At other times I’m stronger and more resolved in my attitude towards my condition. I can only hope that the future has something better in store for all of us infertile women. And if we don’t manage to ever hold our own child’s head may we find other ways to spread the love we hold dear.
Glad I found some people that feel the way I do my fertility clinic said I cant be a client of theres anymore and they never even tryed to help me I’ve wanted to be a mom for 3 years I dream of my future kids every time I close my eyes I wish I could just keep them closed so I could be happy for once I really just want to die after all what’s the since of being a woman if u cant have kids
Im 25 with PCOS, I finally asked my bf if we could try and he said no its too soon that was earlier this year.
We,ve been together over 2 years and he has finally agreed to try…. but i am so hurt and angry by his initial response. I think I’m so scared that PCOS will effect me like it does so many women with infertility. My periods are irregular and usually the cycle is 35 days long.
I’m going to be 26 in April 2021. I’ve always thought that by 25 I’d be pregnant to have my 1st at 26. I try to be positive but I tend to lean on the negative. I’m scared to fail because I think I will kill myself.
Get this, my sister is 21 has no ambitions in life, unstable, and careerless. Had a baby this year. How could he be so cruel, giving her this beautiful baby boy that I long for and have prepared for my entire life being responsible and stable to care for. Why does this jobless druggie who cant even take care of herself get what ive desired for so long?
I hate the ugly thoughts and feelings I have when another family member gets another blessing, or a friend does from a one night stand. I always wish it where me instead.
Alllll of your comments have pierced my heart! I to have cried endlessly like all of you and dreamed of the babies I would have and all of the firsts I would share with them…. Then I open my eyes and realize how swollen they are from the repeated crying myself to sleep till I’m back into my dreams of a happier life at some point why would anyone wanna open their eyes anymore!?! When you just open them to the reality that you’ll never be a mom to any child and if you try people in your family will tell you to go have your own….😥😥😥😥 I have tried for 13years and wanna give up and kill myself I think about it daily now. I just feel like everyone would be happier if I was gone. Like they could move on and maybe find someone else my husband has been an angel through all of this but he has no children and he’s gonna be 46 this year and I really wanted to give him child a some point but I’m worthless in that department. I really just want him to find a woman that will give him children and make him happy. But he doesn’t want me to leave him and let him move on with his life I’ve tried to let him go and I’ve tried to push him away. Neither worked….
I’ve been trying for 3 years, I’m 36, -and haven’t been on any BC for our entire 7 year relationship.
I had to become a caregiver to my own mom after she was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s at 57. I took care of her up until last year, when we had to get her into a care facility. She’s 63 now.
Sadly I wasn’t aware that I have low and diminishing egg supply.
The IUI hasn’t worked yet. I’m going to try IFV.
I’m struggling with wanting to live. I see my mom dying, her brain giving away. I feel like not only did it force me to wait to have kids longer than I would have liked, but it’s sucked the will to live from me.
The hormone drug for the IUI makes it worse obv, but the constant pain from never having a single pregnancy or even the start of one, and feeling like my body will never be able too, makes me lose hope. The struggle of “trying” is real. I don’t know if we will be able to afford all the treatments, only one corse of IVF maybe. But adoption in BC sounds expensive as well.
Why is it so hard to conceive? Why is my body so broken, and my spirit?
The fertility process… it felt like I am going through the longest and darkest tunnel myself. I kind of hoped there is the end and I will see the sun eventually. However, I got results that my body cannot make a baby at all. and further fertility process is not going to be meaningful. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know why I am existing. I am feeling guilty to exist. I am feeling guilty to feel hungry, thirsty, sleepy. I don’t want to wake up and I want to finish the world. I don’t want to have tomorrow. I am struggling.. I want to see my parents in my hometown country, but with this fucking coronavirus, I cannot even go to my home country.
I’ve been in tears reading your comments but glad to have found this blog. My husband doesn’t want children and he is so paranoid about me getting pregnant that he hardly touches me anymore. It’s become worse after I had a miscarriage last year. One year and 6 days ago. He doesn’t even understand my sadness because he didn’t want the pregnancy so he doesn’t feel sad about the loss. I’m 46 years old now and losing hope to get pregnant again. I’m tired of almost having to beg my husband to make love to me. I don’t want to live like this anymore, feeling lonely and unloved and neglected.
I’ve been in tears reading your comments but glad to have found this blog. My husband doesn’t want children and he is so paranoid about me getting pregnant that he hardly touches me anymore. It’s become worse after I had a miscarriage last year. One year and 6 days ago. He doesn’t even understand my sadness because he didn’t want the pregnancy so he doesn’t feel sad about the loss. I’m 46 years old now and losing hope to get pregnant again. I’m tired of almost having to beg my husband to make love to me. I don’t want to live like this anymore, feeling lonely and unloved and neglected.
Hello Ladies,
Thank you all for sharing your posts. I resonate with each and everyone of you, as I lay here at 2am crying myself
To sleep again.
Infertility feels like such a lonely place, but we are together in this grief.
I never wanted a career, and have never had any idea what I wanted to be except for a mother. I married in 2011 and began trying immediately. 10 years later, and numerous treatments down, I am now divorcing my husband , childless and in a 9-5 job. I feel like such a failure, while Ive watched all of my friends be able to build careers and/or have babies. if Id have just been able to get pregnant I wouldnt have ruined my marriage and family life. I reacted terribly to failed IVF which I now realise was trauma, but all to little too late.
Infertility had ruined my life, and I in turn have ruined anything good about myself.
I never imagined a life without children but here I am. Some days I wish that I never wake up again. I don’t see the point of the next 40 years of my life. It’s not just that I’ll never be a mother, I’ll also never be a grandmother. I’ll never get to experience all those things that everyone around me gets to have so easily. It’s hard to be around friends, family and coworkers who have children. It’s hard to see women with strollers or playing with their children in the park. I can’t escape the constant daily reminders. It will never be okay. I will never get over this. I am single and 40 and just had my second failed iui and now realizing that Ivf is probably my only option left but at my age what’s the point when the chances of it working are so low and it’s so expensive. I don’t think I can mentally get through another cycle of daily injections and medications and the hell of the two week wait. It’s enough to make anyone go crazy. I blame myself the most for this hell I created. I wish I could go back and change the last 20 years. All the idiots I was in relationships with who wasted my time because they have all the time in the world to waste. The idiot husband I married at 33 who decided after we were married that kids wasn’t really for him after all and made sure that never happened knowing full well that I wanted to be a mother. The worst of it is that I’m an only child so my parents will never be grandparents either. My father has a terminal illness and only has months to live and I feel such guilt that he will never experience being a grandfather because of me. I feel such shame and hopelessness every day of my life. I hate my body for failing me but I hate me the most for putting me in this position. Infertility is the darkest hell.
The pain of infertility just eats away at me so much. Two of my family members gave birth yesterday, my best friend gave birth on what was supposed to be my due date. I laid crying in my husbands arms saying I don’t want to live anymore with this pain. Death seems so simple. I’m tired and exhausted from this and can’t bare this pain. It comes and goes, but I’m glad depression and suicidal thoughts are talked about here because even in the ttc community it’s all rainbows and hope. But the reality is this deep pain and hopelessness that your life’s purpose will never come.
I’m crying reading all of your comments. My heart hurts with unbearable pain. I’m 36 and I keep hearing in my head the statistic that I only have an 8-10% chance of conceiving a month and that is if I’m in optimal health based on my age alone. I also wish I knew how hard it would get in your 30s. I wish I tried in my 20s but there is no reversing time. The stress is truly breaking me. Constantly obsessing and no escaping the charting, taking basal body temps every morning, ovulation test strips, scared I won’t ovulate, waiting to see if I got pregnant. Then there is having planned sex that has put too much pressure on my partner to perform when he isn’t even in the mood. It has become a mission and chore and my self esteem has sank to its lowest point. Then there is finding out my progesterone is too low, trying to afford treatment my insurance won’t cover, weekly blood work, monthly ultrasounds, vitamins, supplements, genetic testing (and finding out I’m a positive carrier for 2 horrible genetic conditions), sperm analysis, HSG, currently waiting on my partners genetic results. Then when I vent to people who just don’t seem to get it, they tell me things could be worse, that I need to relax, that it will happen when it is meant to. I don’t know how to survive this if I can’t be a mother. I can’t afford adoption. I’ve wanted to be a mom since I was a child. I am now suicidal daily. I truly don’t think I’ll survive. I have a sister in law who got pregnant after 2 months of trying and is in her 2nd trimester. I’m happy for her but the constant pregnancy updates, ultrasound pics and attention I have had to see in a family group txt that I cannot remove myself from makes me wish I could have it too and there is no escaping it or shielding myself. I get a negative pregnancy test and then wake up to pics of her baby bump and everyone so excited for her. I’m in a very dark fragile place and yet I don’t give up yet. I stay in this cycle of doom for the small tiny hope that remains. Thank you if you read this. It felt cathartic to write this all out.
My husband and I have been struggling with infertility. I would tell people I want like 12 kids (though realistically we were hoping for 4). I have felt depressed at times because I wonder if I will have even one. The only hope I have is that whether I have children or not, God is good and has a greater purpose for my life. It helps me to remember that God is love, perfect, and His will is perfect no matter what. When I let God define who He is instead of letting my circumstance define who He is, I find myself able to be joyful and at peace and trust Him in the middle of this hard time of infertility (and other trials). I know not everyone wants to have to do with God, but I want to tell of the hope He has given me to anyone who would also want it.
Hi . Feel like I’m dead inside . My heart hurts. 5 years ttc. Me and my husband are broken and arguing everyday. We’re both in pain. Why us ? I suffered since I was a little girl being abandoned by my mother. Why is god putting me through this. Every ounce of happiness is gone from me. I’m sure my friends think I’m a downer 🙁 . I know il be a great mum. Why can’t I have my chance :(. Thought about driving off the road today . I used to be scared to die now that’s all I’m waiting for . Life is great ….. right
At 50 years old, and multiple failed pregnancies for one reason or another and still no children, I find myself letting go of God because of children are a gift from Him, what did I do that was SO bad that I get NONE when He gives them to people who kill them.
I figure, whatever I did that was so bad that I’m not allowed to procreate CERTAINLY is enough whereby God can’t really even want to be bothered by me so why should I stay here.
And if a Woman is a Man with a womb, what do you call those whose womb doesn’t work because they certainly can’t be Women!
I don’t even know what I’m here for if it’s not to follow God’s command to be fruitful and multiple. And why would God give me a command and then take away any means of me being able to comply with it? Did He not ensure His slaves had enough straw to make bricks EVEN AFTER the Egyptians withheld straw from them for the task?
I’ve never killed anyone or molested a child or blasphemed The Holy Spirit so WHY am I being punished so???
I’ve been through a traumatic childhood that has left deep scars – some of the wounds still haven’t healed. Later I was diagnosed with celiac disease – an autoimmune disease – and had to change my diet completely. Then I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 1, a serious mental illness that at times can be debilitating. Years of living with these challenges are nothing compared to the pain of the infertility we knew nothing about. It’s been 21 years since we were told we would never have biological children and it still hasn’t gotten any easier.
I am sure many wounds heal in time, but the wound inflicted by infertility and the loss of a family of your own will never heal in my life. Of that I am sure.
Help.- who can? I need it. I’m numb with another failed attempt
I just found this blog and today is a bad day. I’m 45 now and had 2 rounds of failed IVf at 43 and 44. I found the man I love late in life and he has no kids so I feel horrible. Before we met I never had the deep urge to have kids but now I do. Why did God send me this loving man if I can’t have kids. Living day by day is hard. I am a spiritual person and I know suicide is not the way to go but this hurts so bad. I’m tired I just want to disappear.
Hello,
Is this blog still open?