May 7, 2012. I’ll never forget this day.
It was a Monday and I was 8 weeks pregnant. Exactly 4 weeks had passed since the elation of my positive pregnancy test and I was headed to the obstetrician’s office for my first appointment.
I was a little nervous about the appointment because I’d been spotting off and on for a week. I’d googled “spotting in early pregnancy” and learned it could be something bad or it could be completely normal. This wasn’t completely reassuring.
Somehow I knew inside that the news wouldn’t be good. I remember telling my husband before we went to the appointment, “I guess it’s going to be whatever it’s going to be, right?”
It may not have been a complete surprise, but it was still completely shocking and devastating when I heard the words:
“I’m sorry, there’s no heartbeat.”
The next few days were a blur as I arranged a D/C that I needed to have done before leaving on a pre-planned trip to London. Shortly after returning from that trip my father-in-law passed away, so that was the Summer of Death. I went on to have another pregnancy loss six months later, so the losses did not end with the summer.
There’s nothing that can prepare a person to go to the doctor, thinking that they’re going to have a baby, to walk out an hour later and all of a sudden not be having a baby anymore.
There’s also nothing that anyone can write in a blog about how to recover from the emotional scars that miscarriage leaves behind.
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month all around the world. During this time you may see stories in the news and all over social media with the slogan #1in4, referencing the number of pregnancies that end in loss. This is intended to remind you that you’re not alone if you’ve experienced a loss.
Even if you know intellectually that pregnancy loss is very common – you may even know people who’ve experienced losses, as I did – it does not change your feelings of isolation in grieving this immense loss. We feel alone, despite the statistics, despite whom we know, despite all logic.
This is because grief is not logical.
While I may not be able to tell you how to recover from a loss, I can give you suggestions on how to cope.
Sometimes we as women minimize our experiences to appease others in our life who may be uncomfortable dealing with us when we’re upset. Our experiences and our feelings about them are all valid. You have permission to feel whatever you feel about what you’re going through.
Repeat to yourself, “this loss was not my fault. It is not a reflection of who I am as a person or as a woman.” Make it your mantra.
I didn’t feel the need to do anything like this; in fact, when my doctor called a few weeks after my D/C to report that chromosomal abnormalities had caused my miscarriage, I didn’t ask the gender even though I figured they’d seen the sex chromosomes. For me, I felt that knowing the gender would be too devastating and would haunt me, so it would be too hard to know (I felt strongly in my heart that it was a boy, though).
At the same time, I always mark in my mind the anniversary of my positive pregnancy test, and of May 7 when I knew my pregnancy wasn’t viable, and of my original due date. Even though I cherish my son Charlie every day I never forget his siblings that I lost along the way, and when I celebrate his birthday every December 2, I always remember his brother or sister who had been due on December 9 the year before he was born.
Take the time that you need to heal – seek out the support you may need, and really take time for your self-care. There’s no magic formula on how long it takes to heal, so don’t put yourself on some arbitrary timeline or deadline. It’s going to be different for everybody. When you’re ready – and you’ll know when this will be – you’ll be able to think about next steps in your journey – a new course of treatment, any lifestyle changes you want to make, or maybe you may even decide that your journey has come to an end.
Love,
Stephanie xo
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This is good advice, Stephanie. Thank you for writing it. Pregnancy loss, especially early pregnancy loss, is so often unrecognised because people feel that we never really had anything to lose. But so often to us those babies are real, and the loss is real. It's called disenfranchised grief, and it's real. It's also worth seeking support from others who understand it.